There is always that person at work that is really difficult to work with. Sometimes the reason is because they are reacting to a personal situation. Other times, people are mean due to insecurities and lack of values. This post is dedicated to giving you ideas and solutions on how to deal with difficult co-workers to help you manage stress in the office.

I’ve been working for 15 years now, mainly in the financial sector. Consequently, I have some experience in dealing with difficult co-workers. When there is power, lack of real values, and money involved, situations can get worse.

Honestly, I did not understand how toxic my office environment was until I lost my mother. This experience made me rethink what was important in my life. I realized that climbing the corporate ladder was not my true passion. This realization opened my eyes to the competitive nature of my peers.

Let’s explore strategies on how to deal with difficult co-workers and navigate office dynamics efficiently.

Avoid Judging

When a person treats you badly, our first intuition is to judge. We think of it from our own experiences and growth, and usually don’t understand the other person behavior. And this makes us angry. We usually react, either by fighting this person or taking it on ourselves, or even just gossiping around. However, we need to remember that we cannot change the other person behavior, but we can change our reaction.

The first question is then, how do I change or control my reaction? The truth is, controlling our reaction or emotions is an ability acquired through practice. The first step is to start making a mental note to not judge. We judge people with our values and prerogatives, without understanding the complete reality of that person.

Stephen Covey tells a story in his book “The 7 habits of highly Effective people”, about what he calls a “paradigm -shift”. Below, an extract of the story that explains the concept:

Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and I was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wings of the bridge reported, “Light, bearing on the starboard bow.”

“Is it steady or moving astern?” the captain called out.

Lookout replied, “Steady, captain,” which meant we were on a dangerous collision course with that ship. The captain then called the signalman, “Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees.” Back came a signal, “Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees.”

The captain said, “Send, I’m a captain, change the course 20 degrees.”

“I am seaman second class,” came the reply. “You had better change course 20 degrees.”

By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, “Send, I’m a battleship. Change course 20 degrees.”

Back came the flashing light, “I’m a lighthouse”.

We changed course.

An extract as read from “The 7 habits of highly Effective People”. A story told by frank Koch in Proceedings, the Magazine of the Naval Institute.

As the captain in the battleship, we judge based on our values and expectations. Remember that word, expectations. We expect how the other person should react because of our reality. However, when we see the complete picture, we can change our perception, reactions, and judgments. Instead of judging and reacting, we should practice understanding why our co-worker is acting a certain way. And then, when the bad behavior arises again, we can react differently, for example, we can ignore it. Changing our paradigms and not judging our peers is the first steps in learning how to deal with difficult co-workers.

(To understand the concept of paradigms I really recommend the Book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey)

Listen

Be a listener, not a reactive person. If you let the other person talk, you will have a better picture of where this stubbornness is coming. Two things can come from this:

• you will learn what is causing their problem;
• maybe, sometimes, you are the problem.

Like Robert Green said in a podcast interview:

… look at yourself and you will find out all that you need to know. You know, that you have the faults that you naturally think you see in other people.” … That is your way of hiding from yourself your own bad traits. So by looking at yourself you are inevitable going to see your faults and limitations.”

Robert Green in the Impact Theory Podcast

I know, I guess this is not what you wanted to read, but it does not mean that it isn’t part of the solution. Sometimes, we are also the problem. Maybe if you stop one minute before reacting and listen, you can figure out the problem. The reality is that we are all “social animals”, and most of the problems we face with our peers, like Robert Green mentioned, “are emotional, not intellectual.”

Be sure to listen to you and look deep into your situation. Learning to listen to your reactions, what you said to others, will also reveal the problem and help you deal with it.

Stay Calm

Meditation

Sadly, most workplace cultures, even without directly intending it, idolize perfection. Which in turn creates a negative value for most individuals part of that culture: The “feeling” that you can never recognize when you are wrong or made a mistake. This culture creates the stubborn coworker that usually makes your life much more complicated at work. On the bright side, research has been able to prove that Meditation through the practice of mindfulness helps reduce both unproductive forms of conflicts and helps you deal with it.

So, if Mindfulness is so good to deal with stubborn co-workers, how can you start using it? The most long-term solution is to create a habit of meditating. While creating a habit for meditating is something you should start, there are ways you can start obtaining the benefits of meditation right now. Michael D. Watkins, author of the Six Disciplines of Strategic Thinking, wrote an article in the Harvard Business Review about Ways to weave Mindfulness into Your work Day.

In this article, he explains practices of Micro-Mindfulness to include in your work day, such as:

• Taking three deep breaths in stressful situations
• Complete a sensory check in
• Body scan to identify areas of tension in your body
• Take a minute for mindfulness
• Walking meditation
• Gratitude pause
• Mindful eating (not multitasking)

Journaling

A lot has been written about the benefits of Journaling that range from helping with mental health to improving your immune system. And yes, it can help you to deal with difficult co-workers in your office. Why? Well, mainly because of the same reason it helps with mental health, it is a personal space to let emotions free without harming anyone. Journaling, as defined by the  University of Rochester Medical Center is “writing down your thoughts and feelings to understand them more clearly”. By writing your emotions, reactions, feelings of various situations you get to find a solution or liberation from the particular situation you are writing about.

After starting the habit of journaling this things will happen:

• You will know how and why this co-worker’s behavior is stressing you.
• You will have already written about the feeling it provoked in you and will help you find the best way to react.
• You might even come up with a standard answer to give, so it doesn’t affect you personally.

All of these results of Journaling will help you stay calm under complicated situations at work and most importantly, not let it stress you.

Smile or laugh

Sincere smiling makes people react differently to you. There is a video around social media about a toddler’s reaction to his parents’ laugh. He started to laugh too, without understanding the reason why his parents were laughing. Positive reactions are contagious, and it is scientifically proven that it will decrease the stress in any situation.

In 2023, a grad student, Tara Kraft, from Kansas University, conducted a study to answer if “smiling during stressful situations helps you cope”. The result was that smiling makes your heart rate recover faster in stressful situations, a characteristic that is present in people that can fast recover from heart disease and other health issues.

It makes you more trustworthy and can even motivate others to change their behaviors. Smiling is the first natural connection to strangers, a characteristic that will give the first step towards treating others with respect. Just one smile can invalidate a person’s insecurity.

Next time that a co-worker acts stubborn, smile. However, just make sure your smile is natural and not fake because the results can be all the opposite!

Avoid Defensiveness

Sadly, if you expect a battle with someone, a battle you will have. This has been scientifically proven as well and explained in the article “Expect others to argue and they probably will” from the research roundup from the American Psychological Association. This is especially true for people with borderline personality disorder, but I believe it to be true in any situation in life. Expect to lose, and the probability that it will happen is higher than if you think more positively.

In the office, think of the things you can do to lift people up instead of what you can do to start a war or win a war. I know you cannot always have the mood to be uplifting people up. But don’t expect a fight at every corner. Being at war with co-workers makes us treat people without respect. Lifting people up will help them take down barriers to find solutions together in complicated situations. Lifting people up will change their behavior towards you.

Closing thoughts

Sadly, dealing with complicated co-workers is unavoidable as long as office life exists, even in remote working. Let’s summarize the strategies we have reviewed in this post:

1. Avoid Judging: Instead of reacting immediately, try to understand why your co-worker behaves a certain way. This shift in perspective can help you react differently and reduce conflicts.

2. Listen: Be a listener and try to understand the root cause of your co-worker’s behavior. Sometimes, you may find that you are part of the issue.

3. Stay Calm: Practice meditation and journaling to manage your emotions and reactions. These practices can help you stay calm in challenging situations.

4. Smile or Laugh: Positive reactions like smiling can influence others’ behavior and reduce stress. A genuine smile can create a connection and diffuse tension.

5. Avoid Defensiveness: Expecting conflicts can prolonged them. Instead, try to uplift your co-workers and focus on finding collaborative solutions.

Dealing with difficult co-workers is a common challenge in any workplace. By mastering these practices, you can effectively manage stressful situations and improve your office relationships. As a bonus point, these practices will also help you with other aspects of your life not only in the office.

What other ways have you try at work to deal with difficult co-workers?